First of all, merry christmas for yalls. Hope you are doing in the finest of ways, and that your Christmas has been so white that it could easily be mistaken for the US Senate. I have come today to interrupt your holiday joy with pedantic negativity, as is expected from someone of my stature. It has recently come to my senses that there are people, and this is hard to believe, but there are people who unironically think “Bimba Y Lola” is an acceptable brand name.

To be completely honest, I first took notice of this unmatched display of marketing recklessness a few months ago, when I started seeing girls, as white as the Christmas I wish you’ve had, brandishing their hip new purses, all the while flaunting the “Bimba Y Lola” logo, a logo so unabashedly stupid that it prompted my mind to run wild, trying to think of what toxic cocktail of bleach and ethanol they were given as children instead of milk, that would have damaged their brains to a point where they could walk in public, exhibiting the “Bimba Y Lola” logo, without experiencing paralyzing shame and anxiety. See, I believe that brand names are an art, and when it comes to fashion, the naming conventions have to follow a specific aesthetic trend, and these conventions have to be very different, from say, those of a trendy software start-up: a fashion brand called “WalkR” where the “a” is mirrored would be as strange as a productivity app named “Antoine Roquentin”. And that is due to our expectations of what rules the branding should follow. What’s more, the names play an important role in the brand experience. “Louis Vuitton” screams chiq, and the mere mention of the name Armani makes one feel the urge to pull out their second monocle. Meanwhile, even a caveman could understand at once that no shoe brand is more prestigious than Louboutin, and the cavewomen would trade their most precious tiger tooth necklace for a pair of sky-high Louboutins in a heartbeat. Which is why it bothers me so much that “Bimba Y Lola” sounds like a D-list Mexican sitcom about a moody teenage girl who only gets along with her small bow-tie-wearing dog. Nothing could be further from the air of class a purse and clothing brand should emanate than that. I could be wasted, retching over a toilet, and I would still be able to come up with a better name than fucking “Bimba Y Lola”.

Now, someone might say “but it’s such a harmless name, and it’s actually nice and bubbly”, and I’d have to ask you “Bubbly?! You want your clothing to be bubbly? Why not buy a fucking rainbow pair of floaters, then? It would also have the added benefit of probably suiting your mental age better”. I would understand “Bimba Y Lola” being the name of the run-down restaurant where you had your birthday parties as a kid, the one with the smelly ball pit and that was run by a balding man in his fifties whose smell oddly matched that of said ball pit. But a fucking purse brand? And I wouldn’t even be mad if the logo was a discrete “ByL”, or something like that. I certainly don’t mind H&M being short for Hennes & Mauritz, which sounds like the names of the inventors of the hot air balloon or some shit. But no, the logo is the full “Bimba Y Lola”. It’s like your dumb younger brother made a dumb drawing, where the coloring goes so far out of the equally poorly-drawn contour that it needs a passport, and your mother hung it on the fridge, with the face of someone who believes themselves to be the next Medici. Repulsive.

Having said all of this, if you’re reading this rant and you happen to be a woman and happen to own something by Bimba Y Lola, rest assured that I won’t think any less of you for being a smooth-brained, tasteless moron, whose mere existence sets humanity’s progress back to the time of cavemen, cavemen who, for that matter, would nonetheless have enough good taste to correctly surmise you’re a moron. No hard feelings tho.